The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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