You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
