someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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