fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
