I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
