so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
