It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
