How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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