Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
