Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
