Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
