was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
