Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
