Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
