You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Randomize
