I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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