I'm pants shitting drunk right now
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
