i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
