that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
