in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
