I'm gonna have a badass scar
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
