I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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