mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
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While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
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Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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