3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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