i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
