just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
