his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
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