What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
