Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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