Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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