Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
