based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
