Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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