Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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