dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
