I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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