if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize