finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
