I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
