I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
