i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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