the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
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i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
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Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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