Got a toothbrush?
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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