I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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