Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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