Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
