My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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