If i come over, it means nothing
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Houston, we have a squirter
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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