Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
zippers are such a cool invention
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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