As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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