Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
