Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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