She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
