I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
