i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
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She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table