There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis