my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell