Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
