Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
