I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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