WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
