Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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