tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
