He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i just made my gag reflex go away.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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