I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
