Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
