I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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