Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
