You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
